Royal Purple

Issue date: 10/15/08 Section: Opinion

Pink [Click to enlarge]

As if she knew Thanksgiving is a month away and is making a last minute campaign to save her kind, a female turkey has been frequenting campus, coming in close contact with students.

The female wild turkey, first spotted on campus two weeks ago, has been making semi-regular appearances since, and students should make a concerted effort to protect the bird.

The aforementioned Thanksgiving is a holiday rooted in families and strangers coming together to give thanks, an appropriate gesture given the holiday's name, and to rejoice that we are simply alive and well. However, the turkey is the party who gives the most.

We live in an age where nature is oh-so-often separated from man, or people if you want to be politically correct. The turkey is trying to bridge the gap one rubbernecking student at a time.

She usually shows up around the University Center doors, peering through the glass and not getting spooked when students exit the building and walk closely by the bird. She simply continues to stare in at students as they traverse the building with iPods and cell phones out, wearing over-priced and even more over-hyped clothing.

It's pretty obvious what our avian friend wants: to be a more involved member of the Whitewater college community. Either that, or the remnants of her husband are being used as a "healthy" topping on a Chartwells salad: a truly horrible and expensive way to go. My condolences, Mrs. Turkey.

In short, the UW-Whitewater student community should embrace our new autumn mascot, because she is a tool that can be utilized by all.

Herbivores, you're always crying out for animals and how people should not slaughter and eat them. Well, here's your chance. This bird is a month away from being someone's turkey dinner, and she's practically begging to be saved.

Carnivores, I encourage you to attempt to chase down the bird for consumption. Turkeys, I hear, are quick animals so chances are you won't be able to catch her. Besides, yearly records show that Americans ¬- especially those from our age cohort - are becoming more and more obese. What better way to drop a couple pounds than an occasional turkey chase?

So embrace her with a turkey-sized Whitewater sweatshirt, hand her a beer, plump her up on campus food, increase her risk of getting STDs, and give her a Facebook account that presents her unlike she truly is.

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